If there's one thing about working in London that irritated me more than the rude bastards who literally shove you out of the way to get on the tube (even though there's another one coming along in 1 minute), it's Metro - that pathetic and despicable free rag that you end up reading because you're rammed into a tube train for the next 20 minutes and it will distract you from staring into the armpit of the tosser standing next to you.

OK it's a free newspaper, so what can you expect? But quite frankly it's grubby predictability is just depressing. To prove my point, I'll list a few things that are sure to be in today's edition (even though I haven't seen it):

1) Shock-horror headline, the more irresponsible and inaccurate the better. Next to this will be the obligatory picture of an allegedly attractive celeb (a word which here means "anything from an actual film star to one of last year's Big Brother losers"). If the celeb is female then cleavage is of course mandatory.

2) Somewhere inside will be an article that begins with the words "scientists have discovered..." followed by a preposterous theory, probably about what attracts us to the opposite sex. OK, so I happen to know from Nick's blog that such an article IS actually in today's edition, but you get the point.

3) World News, a phrase which here means "a short and patronising list of stories designed to make the reader laugh at other countries and their inhabitants."

4) A muck raking non-story about the private life of someone nobody gives two shits about, for example a Tory MP or the brother of someone who used to be in Eastenders or The Bill.

And so on. If it wasn't for Nemi, I'd be recommending dropping napalm on to the Metro offices.